You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. Find your shared interests and go from there? Um, not so much. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Your email address will not be published. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. I camped. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. Absolutely Dad! Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. Not from Scranton either! July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC This sounds a lot like my childhood! Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. I strongly agree with this. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Great lesson to learn from your dad. When they are able to see the. They wouldnt do that, would they? And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. I was saying thats debatable. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Most of them are women. I hated, and still do, all of those things. From one mom to another. Ha! But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. But I agree with everything else you said. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Also, now I know how to fix stuff. Great suggestion! Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. It makes them feel safe. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. meadowphoenix | I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? You're surely not alone. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? Dis you see this: He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,. July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Also hi BGM. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? 6napkinburger Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? I see his point to some extent. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Its already happening. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. Blow out the torches! You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. Addie Pray lets_be_honest I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. Shes all the better for it. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! I mean, maybe? Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. No.